by Jem Tovey
When first we met I was quite young, still in primary school,
I liked to push the boundaries, always first to break the rule.
On my way home with schoolfriends we came across some crates,
Of illicit Bulmer’s cider, so we thought we’d have a taste.
We took a couple of bottles, for the four of us to share,
We divvied up most carefully, making sure the spoils were fair.
We drained those bottles on the park, not one drop did we waste,
And even then I knew deep down, this was love at first taste.
The love affair continued throughout my teenage years,
No party was complete without some crafty beers.
My first week’s wage was twenty pounds, no king’s ransom it is true,
But at less than twenty pence a pint, I spent much more time with you.
You always gave me confidence, sharpened up my wit,
But every now and again, I became a little shit.
On occasions I am sad to say, harsh words turned to blows,
Which shouldn’t be a big surprise, how do you think I got this nose?
Right throughout my twenties, you were always by my side,
In good times and in bad, you came along for the ride.
I couldn’t help but notice, that closing time came fast,
So I’d buy a little take out, to make the evening last.
In my thirties I was responsible for my firm’s social club,
Of course that was a good excuse for more time in the pub.
Two or three at lunchtime, a few more straight from work,
At weekends there’d be lock-ins if the landlord saw me lurk.
By my forties I was married, and finances were tight,
The pub and its high prices became the offie every night.
Strong lager was my staple diet, topped up with cheap red wine.
Before too long, my health and mood began a steep decline.
I’m tired of all the chaos, I want you out of my life,
You’re the psycho girlfriend who became a nightmare wife.
We’re dead, divorced, finito, I guess that means we’re through.
Just don’t ask for reasons why, it isn’t me – IT’S YOU!